


Wearing a Face That She Keeps in a Jar By the Door (Who is it For)

by patientalien, queenhandmaidensenator



Series: The Eleanor Rigby Series [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Gen, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patientalien/pseuds/patientalien, https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenhandmaidensenator/pseuds/queenhandmaidensenator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bail watches as Padme tries to recover, but it is slow-going and he reaches out to Obi-Wan for support.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wearing a Face That She Keeps in a Jar By the Door (Who is it For)

> Bail has left her three messages, but she hits delete without listening to them. She knows she is being immature, but she still can’t shake the idea that he thinks less of her now. 
> 
> If he does, he isn’t showing it while they’re at work together. She’s made a point of pushing herself to go - and stay - every day now, made a point of pretending nothing has happened. She knows there must be rumors swirling around, but she also knows Bail is not the source. She trusts him, but she can’t face him.
> 
> There’s another message from her personal physician, telling her about a referral to another doctor regarding “your incident." 
> 
> But because it was just an “incident", an accident, Padme deletes that message too. 

 

> Bail Organa is frustrated. When Sheltay tells him there haven’t been any messages left in his absence, he feels an uncharacteristic and confusing surge of anger. 
> 
> "I have something personal to attend to," he tells his assistant. “Go ahead and put on the out of office and leave for the evening." He slides on his cloak. 
> 
> He can understand and even sympathize with why Padme has been ignoring him. He knows her well enough to know that her pride is likely bruised - she does not like to ask for help, which, Bail reflects, was likely why she’d resorted to the drastic measures she had.
> 
> Although she’d claimed, the last time they’d really spoken outside the scope of their Senatorial duties, that it had been an accident, Bail has his own suspicions. Perhaps she hadn’t consciously wanted to die, but he’d seen her slipping more and more in the days and weeks leading up to his finding her sprawled on the ‘fresher floor.
> 
> His stomach clenches at the fear that he would come into the same scene this evening. Though she’d been at the Senate building all day, they’d been in the same meetings, she’d seemed like herself - moreso than she had been in a while - Bail is still worried. 
> 
> When he docks on her private landing pad this time, she is out there to meet him, looking perturbed. “I’m sorry," she says as he gets out of his speeder. “This isn’t really a good time."
> 
> "I won’t take much of your time," he says quickly, before she can outright tell him to leave. “Please, Padme."
> 
> She lets out a sharp puff of air and leads him back into the apartment. He makes note of the general disarray of the usually impeccably-kept living space, the obvious absence of her handmaidens, the silouhette of C-3PO powered down in the corner. He follows her into the kitchen. “Well?" she demands, and Bail wonders if she realizes he can see her tip the contents of her wine glass into the sink behind her back.
> 
> "You don’t have to do that," he says. “You don’t have to pretend with me."
> 
> "Who’s pretending?" she counters, putting a hand on her hip and crossing her other arm over her chest. “I’m fine, Bail. Thank you for the concern, but it’s unwarranted." What he has seen so far indicates his concern is anything but, however he does not wish to start a fight. 
> 
> Instead he clasps his hands in front of them and gives her a brief bow of his head. “You know you can trust me." 
> 
> Frowning, Padme turns away. “Of course I know that," she says.
> 
> "So you know that when I say this, I say it as your friend," Bail continues, “Padme, you must talk to someone about what happened." He takes a step forward, but her back remains to him, her shoulders tight. “If not to me, then to someone. Another friend, perhaps."
> 
> She shakes her head. “No," she replies. “It’s no one’s business but mine. It shouldn’t even be YOUR business, but circumstances seem to have dictated otherwise." She’s using her ‘Senator voice’ on him, distancing herself. 
> 
> "What about Master Kenobi?" he prompts. A mutual friend, a trusted advisor. “Or Anakin?" Whatever her relationship with the younger Jedi may be, he knows she trusts him implicitly, and from what Bail has heard from Obi-Wan, Anakin has had his own share of emotional turmoil - perhaps he could provide a sympathetic ear, some understanding.
> 
> "NO!" she exclaims, whirling around to face him now. “You musn’t tell either of them! You musn’t tell ANAKIN." 
> 
> He’s a bit taken aback by her ferocity, and holds up his hands in supplication. “All right," he concedes. He doesn’t wonder why she has specified one rather than the other. “But I really wish you would talk to someone."
> 
> "I had a message from my physician just this afternoon," she replies tightly. “I’m fine, Bail." She is holding herself so rigidly she is trembling. “Is that all?" 
> 
> He is being dismissed and he can tell she’s not interested in any further conversation, and he’s not going to force her into it either, so he bows. “Please consider it, is all I’m asking," he says before showing himself out.
> 
> ——-
> 
> Obi-Wan Kenobi is not expecting to hear from anyone as the Dauntless hurtles through hyperspace back to Coruscant. Anakin is elsewhere, on the Resolute, doing what he does best and driving the Separatist forces out of the mid-rim. Obi-Wan isn’t expecting him to need assistance, but his first thought when the external comm chimes is that Anakin’s in trouble and he’ll need to turn around.
> 
> It’s not Anakin, though, on the other end. “Bail!" he says, wondering why in the galaxy the senator would be contacting him now. 
> 
> Bail gives him a tight smile, which means this is more than just a social call. “There is a Senate gala next week, and I was wondering if you and Anakin would be interested in attending," he says, an effective subterfuge if Obi-Wan didn’t know the man as well as he did.
> 
> "Anakin is leading a battle group over Ord Mantell," Obi-Wan replies, “and honestly, Bail, the idea of a night in a roomful of your peers makes me long to be out there with him. But if you insist, I suppose I can clear my schedule for the evening." The things he does for the Republic.
> 
> "Excellent," Bail says, and his smile does not reach his eyes. 
> 
> Obi-Wan knows he cannot use the Force to probe further over such a long distance, but something is bothering his friend. “What’s wrong?" he asks. “Did Breha…" 
> 
> Bail shakes his head. “No," he replies. “Breha is fine. We’re waiting a while before trying again." He looks down. “I have a friend," he says carefully. “And this friend has been going through a hard time. Changes in behavior, excessive drinking, this kind of lack of interest in anything. A couple weeks ago, I found my friend… almost dead from an overdose. They say it was an accident, but I don’t know if I believe that, and now they’re trying to pretend nothing happened, but…" He cuts himself off. “I’m worried, Obi-Wan, and I don’t know what to do." He closes his eyes. “She won’t talk to me."
> 
> Obi-Wan thinks; obviously this is someone Bail knows well, but someone whose identity he feels he needs to protect from Obi-Wan, so someone Obi-Wan knows as well? He feels a strange tickling in his chest as he realizes, and is suddenly very glad Anakin is elsewhere. “Senator Amidala, then?" he asks, mouth dry. He hasn’t seen her in at least two months; the last time had been at a dinner party at Bail’s residence. Obi-Wan remembers being mortified on Anakin’s behalf that evening, though he had noticed that Anakin had not been the only one to get himself into such a state - Padme had basically fallen onto Bail’s sofa at one point, and had stayed there at least until Obi-Wan had herded a staggering Anakin back to the Temple. It had not been normal behavior for her - he’d seen her a little tipsy here and there, but nothing to that same extent - but since he was more concerned with Anakin being his usual awful self he hadn’t thought much of it. He wonders what else he has missed in his absence from Coruscant.
> 
> Bail nods his confirmation, eyes downcast. “I don’t know how to help her, Obi-Wan," he says, and Obi-Wan is struck with just how deeply Bail cares for her. “And she won’t help herself." The slightly older man sighs, and Obi-Wan echoes it. He knows all too well what it’s like to care for someone who needs help but won’t allow it - he casts his thoughts briefly to the sleepless young man in orbit over Ord Mantell. 
> 
> He nods slightly. “I could try reasoning with her," he offers, but Bail shakes his head.
> 
> "Not outright," he insists. “I swore I wouldn’t tell you or Anakin, so I would prefer she not know I broke that oath."
> 
> "Well, I can assure you I won’t be telling Anakin," Obi-Wan says firmly. No, this is the last thing his friend needs right now. He knows how strongly Anakin feels about Padme, knows too the depths of his desire to keep her safe. Knows that knowing she may be in danger from herself and her own actions and mind would torment him. Besides, Anakin hasn’t exactly been a shining example of good mental health himself lately. “And I won’t bring your name into it either if that’s what you would prefer. I can simply blame… Jedi intuition." A good excuse as any, he figures. 
> 
> "Just… come with me to the gala," Bail implores. “Help me keep an eye on her, at the very least." 
> 
> He sounds desperate, and for all his Jedi training about letting emotions go into the Force, Obi-Wan can’t help but feel similarly. Padme is his friend, and what Bail has told him seems so unlike her that if it had come from anyone BUT Bail, he’d have a hard time believing it. But he believes Bail, trusts Bail, and knows that Padme puts everything - up to and includng the Republic itself - ahead of her own well-being. He is not sure whether he’s surprised that it has gotten to her or not; she has always seemed able to keep control of her own emotions, but Obi-Wan knows better than most that such control slips easily. 
> 
> "Of course," he says, finally. “Of course I will, my friend." He wants to give Bail a pat on the back, or a squeeze on the arm, something to assure the other man that he will make things better to the best of his ability. Since he cannot, he settles for a nod before shutting down the comm.
> 
> ——-
> 
> The Senate gala is the usual ostentatious affair that Bail finds terribly tedious. He is glad for Obi-Wan’s company, even beyond the real reason for his presence. By the time they arrive, the gala has already begun, and he scans the crowd for Padme, but she is not there as far as he can tell. “Can you sense her?" he asks Obi-Wan. 
> 
> The Jedi shakes his head. “No, not… wait, she’s arrived." They go to the doorway to meet her, and there is a brief flash of panic on her face when she sees them together, but it is quickly pushed aside for a gracious smile.
> 
> "Master Kenobi, it’s so good to see you," she says, giving him a swift embrace. Her cheeks are somewhat flushed, and even from where he is standing, Bail can smell the wine on her breath. 
> 
> Obi-Wan is, as usual, impeccable at subterfuge. “I’m glad to see you as well, Padme," he replies. 
> 
> "Is… Anakin here?" she asks, her eyes darting around as though to catch a glimpse of the younger man.
> 
> Obi-Wan shakes his head. “No, milady," he says, “though he does send his regards." 
> 
> She looks relieved. “Well," she says, “I am still glad to be among friends." She is playing the perfect hostess, but it is too polished, Bail recognizes. This is not the Padme he knows, and he can tell just by the glance Obi-Wan gives him that the Jedi sees the difference as well. She holds out an arm and Obi-Wan links his own in hers. It’s a good thing, too, as she’s a bit unsteady on her feet, though trying not to be.
> 
> As the evening progresses, Bail loses count of how many times she has her wine glass topped off - it’s hard to keep track of in the crowd and the way she doesn’t quite let it get empty before having it refilled. Still, she is doing her best to maintain her cordiality, though there is still a stiffness and formality there. At some point during the evening, Mon Mothma approaches them. “Padme, I’m so glad to see you’re doing better," she says.
> 
> Bail frowns as Padme’s expression darkens. “I was never not well," she fairly snaps, and Mon takes a step back.
> 
> "I’m sorry," the other woman - ostensibly Padme’s friend - says quickly. “I didn’t mean to imply anything…" But Padme turns away before she can finish. 
> 
> Bail gives Mon an apologetic look as he follows Padme to the expansive buffet table, watching her reviewing the myriad options meant to accomodate a thousand different tastes and cultures. “Ugh, this all looks terrible," she mutters to herself. 
> 
> "Well, perhaps we can get a meal together afterwards," Obi-Wan suggests diplomatically, wincing behind her back as she exchanges her wine glass for something that looks much stronger. 
> 
> She frowns slightly, her eyes taking on a slightly glassy gleam. “Mmm… perhaps," she agrees blandly, taking a sip of her new drink. 
> 
> Bail takes the opportunity to pull Obi-Wan a few long steps away. “You see?" he asks, although it’s obvious Obi-Wan does. 
> 
> Obi-Wan nods. “I don’t think now is a good time to convince her to do anything," he says carefully. “From experience, I can say it’s better to wait until she is more clear-headed." Until she’s sobered up, he means, but Bail isn’t sure when that opportunity might present itself if she continues on in this fashion. 
> 
> "Agreed, but…" 
> 
> He is interrupted by the sound of Padme’s voice, loud and scathing: “And it is NONE of your kriffing business, you karking vulture!" His head snaps up to see her stalking unsteadily away from Garm Bel Iblis, who simply looks taken aback.
> 
> Together he and Obi-Wan follow her, watching as she slams down two more drinks in quick succession. She puts her hand to her forehead and then over her mouth and Obi-Wan gets there just in time to herd her outside before she empties her stomach entirely, Bail fast behind them. “Padme," Obi-Wan says. 
> 
> "Padme," Bail echoes, but she her eyes are completely unfocused now, and she is hanging limp in Obi-Wan’s arms. Bail’s stomach clenches and he feels as though he wants to follow her example of decorating the pavement. The scene is all too familiar, all too fresh and as he leads Obi-Wan back to his speeder, he can’t keep the snaking tendrils of fear from taking his breath away.
> 
> ——-
> 
> The doctor tells her they were able to give her medication to reverse the damage done. When she inquires on the specifics, they tell her the baby will be fine as long as she stops drinking and takes the appropriate medication they’ve prescribed her.
> 
> Two months along, as it turns out. Too early for clear imaging, but far along enough to know with certainty that she IS. She hasn’t even considered it, didn’t think it was possible. She hasn’t had sex in… well, since Bail’s dinner party and she and Anakin had ended up in the ‘fresher before Obi-Wan had dragged him out and she’d passed out on Bail’s couch - and they hadn’t used protection because it wasn’t something they’d planned on doing, and they weren’t thinking, and it has been just about two months since. 
> 
> She seriously considers terminating, spends the several days she’s in the medical center shaking and feeling sick and thinking about what to do. In the end, she leaves with the baby still growing in her womb, determined to get her life - and herself - back. 
> 
> It works. She goes back to work, again, but this time the fervor and passion are not a mask. She brings her handmaidens back and powers Threepio back up so she is not wallowing in her misery alone. She has to hide her pregnancy, but she has hidden so much more that this is a simple matter. She still can’t bring herself to tell Anakin - not yet, anyway - but she comes to peace with it herself. She will have a family, and her happiness will not be as fleeting. As soon as the war ends, everything will be all right. As soon as the war ends, she will be all right.


End file.
